


I Lost the Most Important Thing

by KittyCatriona (War_Worn_Lipstick)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, Arguing, Depression, Dissociation, Imaginary Friend, M/M, Mania, Mental Illness, NO DEATH, Original Male Character - Freeform, Painful Sex, Toxic Relationship, Unhappy Ending, ace!dan, and it's not very enjoyable, getting together and breaking up, gosh im so bad at tagging I'm sorry, idk if dan is actually ace here but i know i based it off of my own ace experiences so, it's like an asexual tries to have sex basically, maladaptive imagination, not rape but it's hard to classify???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7075462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Worn_Lipstick/pseuds/KittyCatriona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell's imagination often runs unchecked, and Phil Lester looks sort of like his dream man. It doesn't work out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Lost the Most Important Thing

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so this is based on my own experiences (maladaptive imagination, lithromantic/asexuality... general disappointment in reality........).. good luck lol

_Look at me._

_Dan, look at me._

_This is reality, Dan._

_Is it enough for you?_

 

I have this person in my head and I like him a lot. My mom always called him my imaginary friend, but I’ve never really felt like that’s the right name. He’s more like a character, that one day if I was inspired enough I could write about or something. I won’t, probably. It’s just so much easier to relax, put in headphones, close my eyes, and live in a world where he exists. 

When I was little my mom thought it was cute, the way I’d rock back and forth and create stories to go along with different songs. When I turned twelve, though, and she caught me doing it, she panicked a little. She told me it wasn’t natural, that I needed to stop, that I was wasting my time because I should be doing literally anything else. I agreed. It was a complete waste of time. But I still did it, secretly then. Sometimes for only a few minutes a day, sometimes for a few hours. It was relaxing. It made me happy. 

It’s still relaxing. It still makes me happy. In fact, I’ve grown to need it. If I go more than a couple days without dropping into my imagination, I get antsy, on-edge, tense. I get irritable and I get rude. I have a harder time sleeping. 

I don’t know why I do it. 

The rocking back and forth happens whether or not I’m in my imagination. I don’t realize I’m doing it unless someone brings it up, or if I get so into it that it makes me dizzy. The latter happens more often than you’d think. 

Few things make me more angry than when a person imitates my rocking. Even if they’re not really mocking me, even if it’s all in good fun, it hurts. Because I know it’s not natural, I know I need to stop. But I can’t. I’ve never even been able to bring myself to try. 

So this person in my head that I like a lot? His name is Cameron. He’s about my height, but his shoulders are broader. His hair is black and his eyes are blue, and though he looks like he could be mean, he’s really just a big sweetheart. He’s a very famous actor. When I put in my headphones and delve into my imagination I imagine all sorts of ways we could meet and fall in love. I imagine my friends finding out about our secret relationship and being awed and envious of me. 

When I imagine these things, I’m not really me. The _me_ in my imagination is a character, like Cameron. Sure, I’d love it more than anything if Cameron were real. But some part of me thinks that if he were, he probably wouldn’t be interested in me at all. I’d probably not even be his type. It’s all very confusing, but at the same time, it’s all very straightforward. 

 

I don’t remember how I first stumbled upon AmazingPhil. He might have been in the recommendations after a charlieissocoollike video. The second I started one of his videos, though, my breath caught in my throat. It wasn’t that he looked like Cameron, per say, but he had similar qualities and his hair was more than I could ever dream for outside of MySpace or an anime. Also his voice was really deep and he had interests that pertained to my own. 

And his eyes were, well. 

And his features were.

Hm.

Sharp but kind. 

After watching all of his videos I started responding to his tweets. One day he responded back, and I spent the next few hours wrapped around a pillow, grinning and squealing with disbelief. We talked more and more frequently. 

 

 _It’s like we’re soulmates,_ he messaged me. _Do you want to try skyping?_

We did, and we did again. The third time Phil told me he wanted to meet me in person. The fourth time, well. 

I’d never shown my body to another boy before, and it was sort of scary, but also it wasn’t because it was Phil and I trusted Phil. 

_Do you want to meet up? In real life?_ he asked. I smiled and nodded. He told me he’d get back to me with dates that would work. I smiled and nodded. 

 

It’s so easy to relax and put in headphones and just fall into a realm of non-reality. I can pretend I mean the world to someone, and I can pretend the world isn’t spinning away without me. It’s so easy. 

 

It was weird to hold and hug Phil for the first time. His fingers clutched at my hoodie and I put my head on his shoulder, nose tilted toward his neck, and I just breathed, and he just breathed too, and it was weird because we were breathing together but somehow it seemed like we weren’t, too. It’s nice to pretend you mean the world to someone, but you can’t hug forever. When we pulled away, Phil smiled at me and his eyes sparkled like, hm, I don’t know. The glass you find at the beach. I imagine he saw my eyes fizzling like old TV static. 

_You’re here,_ he said. _You’re really here._

 _Really here,_ I think I said. 

 

I won’t lie. It wasn’t like I’d always imagined. I’d thought there’d be some kind of spark, some kind of magnificent rush like in the movies. Our first kiss is when I first noticed something was wrong. There had to be some kind of reason for people to keep kissing other people, right? If I had it my way, I wouldn’t kiss people. I don’t like how it feels. I mean, after that first time, I spent weeks silently mulling over the fact that All Romance Was Dead. I pushed Phil away, but for some reason he kept pulling me back in. Again, I won’t lie. I didn’t really mind. 

Sex was uncomfortable at first but I liked the orgasm. Phil would put one finger in me, then a second, then a third, kind of too fast. I never told him to slow down though so it was mainly my problem. His cock was quite a lot larger than three fingers, though, so the first time he tried to stick it in me, I cried and threw up. 

_I feel awful,_ he said. I told him not to. We settled for handjobs and it was a bit pathetic. 

When we moved in together, he held me tight and told me he could smell my shampoo. 

_Sorry,_ I frowned.

_No. It’s nice._

 

I was oddly manic but also depressed, I think, and I started retreating to my room to listen to music and find Cameron. 

Won’t lie. There were days I didn’t come out at all. 

 

 _Look at me._

_I’m sorry,_ I say. 

_Dan, look at me._

He pulls me by my chin, and his face is just inches away, and his eyes are glass shards alongside the ocean and it’s not how it should be. 

_I’m sorry,_ I say again.

_This is reality, Dan._

I shake my head. _I know,_ I say. _I know it is._

 _Is it enough for you?_

A sob curves through my throat and I don’t even know what I’m crying about. Well. I won’t lie. 

_Dan, just look at me._

I squeeze my eyes shut and more tears come pouring out. _I don’t want to,_ I say. 

_Why not? Do you not love me anymore?_

I don’t think I ever loved him but I’m not going to tell him that. I don’t think I really know what love is anymore. I think All Romance Has Died. And I think it may have died before our first kiss. 

_Please, just tell me what’s going on._

I can’t think of what to say so I just tug away from his grip. Wonder if there’ll be bruises on my jaw where his fingers were. Wonder if I’d prefer if there were or weren’t. 

_I’m going out,_ I tell him. 

_Right now? It’s late._

_It’s never too late._

Neither of us say anything else because neither of us have any idea what I meant by that. 

I grab my jacket and I’m gone in under thirty seconds. The cool air hurts my tear-streaked face and I walk faster and close my eyes. 

It’s nice to pretend you mean the world to someone so I try to imagine Cameron, but all I can see is Phil’s face. Lately, that’s all I’ve been able to see. I don’t know when they became so intertwined but it doesn’t help anything at all. 

 

I end up staying at a friend’s house for a few weeks and Phil and I don’t talk until I’m at his doorstep with a couple empty boxes, telling him I’m here to pick up my stuff. He, very obviously, holds back tears. 

 

AmazingPhil doesn’t update for a few months. I won’t lie and say I don’t still keep track of it. I get a Twitter notification and follow the link. When I see the video’s title, I slip down from my seat and collapse in a heap on the floor.

 

I used to have this person in my head and I liked him a lot. I needed him. 

 

I’m sorry I never realized that you needed me in the same way. I mean I always pretended I meant the world to someone but I never realized I actually did. 

Seeing this, I almost wonder if you’d take me back. The person in my head is gone and now there’s just the things we did to each other, the things we said to each other. I relive every moment each time I close my eyes. I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me, too. 

Wait. I almost forgot. 

Our kisses were like mud and our love was borderline painful. 

I don’t want you back. There was a reason I left. 

I guess it’s just nice to know you mean the world to someone.

**Author's Note:**

> have you ever read anything so pretentious in your life wow
> 
> also sorry about the ending. it was completely different but when i reread it i realized it really REALLY seemed like phil had died and i didn't want that at all, so i had to rewrite the last part and i don't like it as much anymore. but i didn't want phil to be dead lol.
> 
> anyone else in the phandom with maladaptive imagination?
> 
> here's a pic of MY "cameron," if you're for some reason curious. his name is [Misha Kayne](http://kittycatriona.tumblr.com/post/142433020752/my-character-at-a-photoshoot) and i am actually writing a story about him


End file.
